I know that I am far from being a saint, yet I have this great desire to be one. Over the past few years I have begun to realize the beauty and necessity of friendships rooted in Christ. Some friends that I have I would love to speak with daily yet even when months separate our communications, we are able to pick up right where we left off. Sisterly spiritual encouragement is something for which I am presently grateful. While they aren't necessarily my biological sisters (although sometimes they most definitely are), we have a friendship that digs deep into the heart of the matter. I am able to cut directly to the truth and not hedge around political correctness. I want these e-mails, letters, and phone calls to be saved as aspects of these stories of souls on their way to Heaven. Of course this evidence would immediately reveal our imperfections but they would also unearth the deep desires of our hearts. It is the beauty of the Body of Christ, separated by space and time yet united in the intimacy of Our Lord's Eucharistic Heart. When I encounter priests, religious sisters, elderly, young people all striving for Christ, I am renewed and reinvigorated. The Church is not dead. She is marching onward. She is wounded, She is weak, She is comprised of sinful people. Ah, but She is being sanctified.
Persevere, dear readers, in running the race for Christ, in striving continually for holiness. Look not at what you are, but what He desires you to be. Focus not on your imperfections but on His perfections. Never put out the desire to be a saint. God wants it of you and the world needs it of you.
“Dear young people, the Church needs genuine witnesses for the new evangelization: men and women whose lives have been transformed by meeting with Jesus, men and women who are capable of communicating this experience to others. The Church needs saints. All are called to holiness, and holy people alone can renew humanity. Many have gone before us along this path of Gospel heroism, and I urge you to turn often to them to pray for their intercession.” -Pope John Paul II
In times of darkness Our Lord raises up saints. Well, there is no need to ask if this is a time of darkness. Therefore, we must be saints. Anything less is settling.
A couple mildly profound thoughts that I have had today through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
Driving into work I was praying and the Lord brought a prayer to my lips that I didn't understand until I had said it. "Lord, bring about a deeper conversion at my school, beginning with my own heart." I prayed that and then just sat there thinking, "Whoa." What if I actually lived that out?
Great, I forgot the other one. But something else I was reminded of was that we never know the hearts of everyone around us. Many have secret burdens that we cannot know about by looking at them. Yet if we love each person as if they are Christ, then we can't go wrong. Therein lies the task. Let's get to it, Christian soldiers. Go be Christ's hands and feet. And I'll see you in the Eucharist.
P.S. I remembered my other "profound" thought. I was stopped at a red light and as it turned green a firetruck with its lights on came from behind. It got in the opposing lane and went around us. Since my dad was a firefighter for so many years I have a fond place in my heart for them. However, this time I was thinking about how beautiful it was that everyone stopped and waited for the truck to pass. It was as if for a moment we were all in one accord and realized, if only briefly, that someone else was more important than ourselves. Our mad rush to whatever location was placed to the side as we watched others race to the aid of those in need. It was a small but great moment for humanity.
A piece of paper falls off the wall that is part of a larger quote. The result? "...be afraid to go out onto the streets and into public places like the first apostles who preached Christ and the good news of salvation in the squares of cities, towns, and villages." A little different than what I was going for! Also, my room was used for the past two days for junior testing. I don't have juniors ever. Now I have effectively misrepresented JP2 to young minds for hours. Gahh!
"Do you guys know what a relic is?" "Like what you put on a hot dog?"
Summarize Judges 15: "...he killed a thousand men with the jawbone of a monkey."
"So the book is saying to be truly happy you have to suffer." "That sucks."
Maybe these are only slightly frustrating because I don't know how to answer them. But students seem to be enthralled by questions like, "So...is that person in Hell?" "What kind of magic did Simon the Magician use? Was it black magic? Or devil magic? Or what?" "What do you think about the Illuminati?"
When teaching high schoolers you also begin to become much more aware of what you're saying and how it sounds. I'm definitely not perfect in this yet but it is a work in progress. Like today when I was talking about the stoning of St. Stephen, I tried to avoid saying that "Stephen got stoned." Which was much harder than I expected.
That line from a movie should be captivating and romantic but at that specific point in the movie I found it utterly---belated and ridiculous. So far the movie had been mindless albeit slightly different from other chick flicks that I've seen, but it came to a necessary aspect in nearly every modern romantic movie. Boy and girl become very passionate and end up in bed together with no ring on their fingers to make this a marital embrace but rather an over-glorified way to use the other person. In this particular movie, the guy and girl are in bed and as she is going to tell him something, he looks her in the eyes and huskily admits, "I think I'm falling in love with you."
My response? A few short disbelieving laughs and an overwhelming sense of sadness. You think that you are falling in love with her? Aren't those words (or perhaps simply "I love you") supposed to come before you say those words with the language of the body? I think the effect is supposed to elicit a response of "Awwww!" But instead it makes me realize how far we have fallen. The pinnacle of expressing one's love for the other person is not found in virtuously denying oneself for the good of the other but rather in letting passion consumed oneself.
I am a romantic by nature--perhaps not discoverable exteriorly but definitely found within my heart. I want a wonderful love story and a love that is unending. Yet I do not find myself agreeing with the only romance Hollywood knows how to offer. Rather I begin to feel that I must be one of a small contingent that has a radically different view of love. A purer, deeper, truer but far less exalted type of love. The modern day romantic "fairy tale" ending is ridiculously trite. In fact, it would be far more innovative for Hollywood to begin to use the oft-forgotten tale of the man and woman who show their radical love for one another within the embrace of Holy Matrimony.
This weekend I found a song with which I have fallen in love. Her voice is beautiful and the lyrics are true. It leaves me with a desire to be married yet with none of the bad aftertaste found in the typical mainstream music and society. Relish this piece of true beauty!
While writing this I also thought of how if we want to transform the media and the culture, we must be willing to support places that are striving to do just that. I want to see a change in what is being offered in the culture but if I do not support them, how are they to succeed? So just when I needed it, I received an invitation to support a movie that speaks of the dignity of the human person. I accepted the invitation and I would like to extend it to you. While it isn't speaking of the human sexuality of the person being trampled upon, it nevertheless is speaking about the inherent dignity of each individual regardless of the context of the situation. Please support them in prayer and money and pass it along to your friends and family. If we want to see this culture change, it will be through a group effort. And it will require sacrifice.
P.S. God is ridiculously and madly in love with you. He is pouring His mercy out upon you but He needs you to accept this mercy and glory in it. This unfathomable love doesn't really make sense--but that is probably why it is called "Divine Mercy." No mere human person is capable of that kind of love and mercy. But glory to God we have a God who not only provides for the weak and the lowly (i.e. you and me) but loves to do that.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
I realized that I should be grateful for my frustrations and unfulfilled desires. When I present my experiences teaching to some of my friends, I feel as though it is an endless litany of dislikes, discouragement, and downfalls. I don't mean for it to be that way but I am unable to paint a purely rosy picture of a profession that I find difficult and stretching. Yet I realized that in some ways it is very good that I am not content with it all. I desire to do better, to improve my teaching, to reach out to my students. And while this means that I am not a perfect teacher it also means that I desire to do better than I am doing. Of course there is the necessary reminder that one shouldn't always be frustrated and unfulfilled. But I desire such great things for my students and their souls that I am far too weak to deliver on my own. Thus, the tension. I long for greatness but fall into petty worries. I search for fulfillment but am left unsatisfied. I will never be completely fulfilled on earth. Only in Heaven will I find fulfillment for all of my good desires. Nevertheless, I yearn for this fulfillment, for this unobtainable perfection. We are trying to get back to something we once had, to something for which we were created.
“The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing — to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from — my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back.” --C.S. Lewis Till We Have Faces
Such beauty! Anyway, the point of all of this is that it is alright to not feel fulfilled and satisfied. We live in an imperfect world within an imperfect society. There is much to see in the world that needs change and transformation. My students will be imperfect because they are human and I will be imperfect because I, too, am a human. We are deeply flawed. Ah, but not beyond redemption! I shouldn't glory in my misery or disappointments. Nevertheless, I don't need to attempt to make myself believe that I should be 100% fulfilled and satisfied. There is conversion that needs to take place in my heart, I am a pilgrim traveling down the path of life, and I have not yet reached my eternal home.
The task of evangelizing the modern world is not easy. It isn't easy because we are asking them to accept truth that is difficult to accept. Because we are telling people that perhaps the best thing for them is a life that includes suffering and painful growth and sacrifice. Yet I am thankful that the Lord has called me into this mission field and desires me try to reach His flock. It isn't because I'm perfect--because He knows better than any my imperfections--but perhaps simply because I have this desire for His will to be done on earth, a longing for Heaven, and a knowledge that without Him, I am nothing.
