Granted Moses faced a bit more of a challenging task then I do. He was saved from infanticide, raised in Pharaoh's house, sent into exile after killing an Egyptian, and called by God from a burning bush to march his people (that he never really lived with) out of slavery and into a Promised Land. No big deal, right? I, on the other hand, am simply told to be the best teacher I can be, proclaim the truth without fear of the consequences, and become of a disciple for the Lord. When placed in that light, Moses had very good reason to throw up excuses while my position has a much weaker foundation for it.
Q: "Who am I that I should...?" (Ex. 3:11)
A: "But I will be with you..."
Q: "If...they ask me, 'What is his name?' what shall I say to them?"
A: "I AM who I AM."
Excuse: "But behold, they will not believe me or listen to my voice..." (Ex. 4: 1)
Reply: "Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you you shall go, and whatever I command you you shall speak. Be not afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord." (Jer. 1: 7-8)
Excuse: "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent..."
Reply: "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak."
Final plea: "Oh, my Lord, send, I pray, some other person." (Ex 4: 13)
This final plea is sometimes what I find myself reduced to. Just send anyone but me, Lord. I think of others who are clearly more qualified for the job than me. I wonder how the Lord could make such a large mistake, could have overlooked their finer qualities and overlooked my giant deficiencies. This feeling of "Please, Lord, someone else!" isn't just with large missions, but is with lesser things. When there is gossip taking place and I feel uncomfortable, but I don't want to be the one to squelch it. If I see something that is wrong but wish I hadn't seen it so that I could simply be naïve.
When I was offered the teaching job I felt incredibly inadequate. I had just finished convincing people quite a bit older than me that I was the person they wanted for the job. Then I was offered the job and I had a more difficult time convincing myself that I was the person for the job. In fact, I began to compile a mental list of people that would be better at teaching than I would be. I thought of intelligent priests I knew, passionate young adults filled with both knowledge and fire, and young religious sisters who would be able to articulate the faith in an eloquent manner. Then I thought of my own abilities and talents. The list seemed to be woefully short. I hadn't lied to the interviewers...I had simply spoken with more confidence than I actually had. Who would hire someone who said, "I am pretty sure that I can do this job, I think. _________ and ___________ would be perfect for this job but they aren't available. At the very least, I think I could be a decent babysitter for high schoolers. Hire me. Please." That probably wouldn't be sufficient.
Instead of relying on my own incredible speaking abilities (which I don't have) or my limitless intellect (again, fictional), I was forced to rely on the Lord. Of course, I failed in that but I was forced to try more than if I was gifted with all that was required of me. I knew that I could not do the task properly on my own. However, I did know that the Lord could use me to do His will.
How did I know this?
Past experience, yes. Bible stories, yes. Witness of the saints, yes.
Abraham.
Moses.
David.
Our Lady.
Padre Pio.
St. Margaret Mary Alacoque.
St. Faustina.
It is not my job to tell the Lord that He has chosen the wrong person or that I am under-qualified. He already knows my gifts and He knows my weaknesses. I am convinced that often the Lord chooses people with major weaknesses so that it may be evident to the world that He is doing the work and it is not his/her own skill.
The requirement is a wholehearted yes. Or at least an openness to being used for God's will. It is saying, "Please, Lord, choose somebody more qualified" and then going to talk to Pharaoh anyway when the Lord tells you to. You are required to be uncertain of the future yet entirely certain of He who already knows the future. It is surrendering your weaknesses to the bridegroom on the altar of sacrifice and welcoming into yourself the bread of the angels, the strength from heaven, the necessary graces. It is allowing His to overflow in you and into those in your life. It is hands wide open, entrusting everything to Our Lord even when we don't know what that everything even is.
Moses and I both question the Lord and ask Him to choose someone else to do the hard work. Yet God is unrelenting.
He crafts our souls, breathes life into us, nourishes us, and then poses a question to us that is hard to refuse.
"Trish, I created you to reveal an aspect of Myself that nobody else can reveal. I have a plan for you, I have graces for you, I have a mission for you. Will you reveal Me to the world and be a part of salvation history?"
Whoa.
How can I refuse?
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